The Anatomy of a Perfect Hotel Room & Stay

We arrive to this career, often unplanned, with a suitcase full of skills learned through jobs and experiences prior. Most of us take these competencies, refine & elevate them, and continue to grow and learn. Of all of these expertise, the vast majority are useful in and out of aviation. For example, the ability to navigate, in some r, most cities in most countries, others not so much, such as being able to make 8 boxes of Stevie’s Catering + your own disappear. It definitely DIDN’T go in the front lav…or to some line guys…or in a cooler in said lav.

I don’t exactly know how many nights I stayed in a hotel last year, or the year before (despite so many of you PJPers o each other in stays on the daily because THINGS LIKE THIS MATTER), but I’ve done enough overnights to consider myself at least educated in the anatomy of hotels and the ability to distinguish the good, the bad, and the egregious.

I polled you all on Instagram and according to the @CabinsInTheSky following (which if you aren’t a part of why not!?) and your room is the most important quality in a hotel stay.

And because of this, I am here to provide you with the scientific anatomy of what I consider to be a worthy hotel room and stay knowing how uppity and high maintenance I sound. I’m a flight attendant, not perfect. Also, this is satire, but not. #MakeAviationFunnyAgain

Size Matters

This is almost like a Goldilocks sort of thing when it comes to hotel rooms. I prefer to not walk into a shoebox that compares to my freshman year dorm room at UVM, but I also don’t want it to echo when I walk in because of the disproportionate size to furniture and amenity ratio.

If there’s nothing in the room to fill it, what’s the point? I’m not doing cartwheels and I can dance perfectly fine in my robe with my High Noon in half the amount of space (because THAT is what flight attendants do in their alone time in the hotel rooms). It just feels uncomfortable. Also this needs noted – a luggage rack should be nonnegotiable.

As far as the bathroom size goes, this is just as crucial. It needs to have room for us to get ready, walk around on the phone while getting ready, room to spread my entire makeup AND toiletry bag (which are different) around, and still be functional. If I’m running into the shower or toilet with the door, it’s too small. Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a bathroom that was TOO big.

Because flight attendants are also x, y and z, we need the space to perform these duties. A kitchenette, desk, and living room-type area will surely fit our solo luggage cart worth of gear we travel with.

Bed & Pillows

I’m going to first tell you about my favorite and then you’ll understand why everything else is crap.

Thus far, I use a King-sized Westin bed as my standard. The crispy white and convincingly clean sheets are exactly what I want to throw myself into and remain after a long day. At least until someone texts the group chat with “Happy hour @ “ then I’ll see you in 5.

The pillows have perfected the fluff (and feather?) to the point where all four (that’s the magic number of pillows preferred) play an important role in my slumber and without even one I’m sure to lose out on some amount of beauty rest.

The firmness is just right to where my 3 body won’t wake up relating to the latest millennial meme about aging…you know, the one that we sat and scrolled through for 20 minutes before deciding to actually arise.

Now for the crap. I need someone, anyone, to explain to me the purpose of the table runner-like “blankets” that some hotels insist on placing at the foot of my bed. They are not a blanket by any standard nor are they what I would consider decorative in any fashion. Fairfield Inns – I’m looking at you. They’re tacky and I hate them.

You know those extra blankets they provide are in plastic bags stored at the top of the closet that haven’t seen the light of day since ‘Nam? Yeah those need to go too. No need to add injury to insult.

Coffee

This is deserving of i own section for obvious reasons. While beggars can’t be choosers, this isn’t the place. This is where I tell readers what an ideal hotel room coffee situation would be.

I don’t hate a K, but I don’t always love a K-cup. But I’ll tell you what I do love, and it’s the ability to brew more of a pot, rather than just a cup. I also love all the f. Hotels often have some type of mini fridge where they place water, soft drinks, and booze. But what they’re missing is some sort of milk or cream in there as well. Unless I’m at a Caribbean resort where they’re walking around with warm leche for my Central American coffee, I want that stuff COLD.

There should also be the option for espresso. I love coffee and espresso just the same but there’s a time and a place for each, both of which I experience during a stay. A coffee to drag me out the door for my 5 showtime and an espresso for my dessert.

Breakfast Service & Availability

Of all of the things that became “lesser” due to COVID, the breakfast situation at some hotels was one of the more unfortunate casualties. T is rather unfortunate because a hotel breakfast was one of my favorite, if not entirely treasured parts of a hotel stay.

Remember the days when the Double Tree would toss you a brown bag with a muffin capable of diabetes in one bite, a bruised beyond repair Red Delicious (not delicious) Apple, and a questionable beyond belief h egg and said “SEE YA THANKS!”?

Maybe it’s just me who is still scarred from that.

In a perfect world, I have a breakfast menu in my room to ponder before because only psychopaths go into any restaurant and menu blind. And I need SOME kind of service.

I’m going to say it because we’re all thinking it and talk about it juuuuuust about every time we dine out…service & hospitality are lacking in a severe way. Honestly, many of my c could be resolved by a hotel breakfast dropping a hot pot of coffee for the table and leaving. One more time for the people in the back…Coffee. Pots. For. Full Service. Hotel. Breakfasts. Amen. I hear that’s actually one of the x amount of Commandments.

The Marriott in Monterey has one of the better hotel breakfasts I’ve experienced in and their fresh local donut selection is top-notch. (Get the m ones) I also hear the JW Cabo is out of this world but I haven’t been…yet. Don’t get the waffles in London, unless you enjoy cardboard and maple syrup.

Also – any hotel that goes out of their way to have a Mexican restaurant as the main source of meals for guests has it figured out and can take all of “my” money.

Amenities

There are far too many amenities that hotels allegedly provide that I probably don’t take advantage of in the way that I should, but I’d like them to be available and have near-perfected the most basic of these.

To be honest, the mini bar and snacks in the room is hardly a factor here. I can’t remember a time when I actually dove into the $12 bag of nuts or $15 Corona. In my professional opinion it’s taking up space from the full-size refrigerator, desk, or well-lit, full-size mirror that are more important.

Digital keys were a major upgrade with the hotel stay apps. For someone who will average five hotel keys for every two nights in said room, it’s just environmentally friendly on their part.

Example 1 – the hotel gym. A great hotel gym has enough room for more than 5 of the hundreds or even thousands of hotel guests so that I don’t have to question who’s sweat just dripped on my arm. I’d like the machines to work. If there are 5 treadmills and 3 are inoperable I will internally rage because there are rules as far as which machines you work out based on where the current patron is…it’s a Larry Davidism I think.

Also who is stealing the 15 and 20lb weights and not returning with them? Where are you going with them? I know they don’t end up in your already overweight suitcase and if you carried them away I’m certain you have the strength to muscle them back to the weight rack. Do weights break? I’ve never seen that happen but for a 5’6”, roughly 130 lb female, those 15 and 20lb weights are the core of what I do. BRING THEM BACK! Looking at you W Hotel in Fort Lauderdale.

Example 2 – Elevator availability. This maybe bothers flight attendants more than it should but you try lugging around all of our NECESSARY equipment. If I had it my way, hotels would have more elevators than people. The Hilton Naples has 2 elevators and I’m yet to see them both in service simultaneously. You get a few weddings and a Bat Mitzvah on a weekend in March and tell me how long you’ll w to wait.

Example 3 – I LOVE a good turndown service. The little chocolates, the lavender essential oil, extra bottled waters, and pjs laid out for me, JW Grosvenor’s House London had this service nailed.

Example 4 – Weather permitting, a pool area that I can enjoy without fear of needing a tetanus shot after my dip. There is so much to be said for a hotel that maintains i pool and surrounding areas + has enough room to accommodate the average number of guests. If I feel like I’m floating in bath water because it’s reached beyond i noted max capacity, build a bigger pool or invite f guests to stay. Pool bars are best-case scenarios when they’re being operated but a full tease when sitting is ideal.

While I am fully aware of how this is all coming across, pretentious, uppity, spoiled, unappreciative, etc etc the money spent on crew hotels is more than the average person would expect at times and since we don’t have the luxury of sleeping in our own bed on any given night, a working elevator and breakfast doesn’t seem like an outrageous ask.

Hospitality

As someone who worked in the service industry to one of the higher degrees, there is nothing that burns me more than a rude hotel worker. I’m not asking the hotel staff to be my personal assistant, but having friendly staff makes your entire stay a different experience.

The staff at the Luminary in Fort Myers are fantastic and it’s not just because they served me a “Welcome Drink” each day of my stay, but it certainly didn’t hurt. The Industrialist in Pittsburgh was phenomenal as well. My room wasn’t ready as I showed up entirely too early, but they OFFERED to secure my bags and OFFERED me any of the available amenities while I waited, such as the gym, coffee, and snacks. While this seems so small, it meant a great deal to us that day.

You would never catch one of us flight attendants telling a guest “no.” If it’s a request we can’t find a way to cater to, we find a way anyway or an alternative.

For example – I once asked the front desk staff if they could store my (small, relatively speaking) catering in their full-size fridge because the last time I stayed in that hotel, the fridge shut off during the night, which resulted in a 6:30am Publix run en route to the jet without so much as a “sorry”. This particular time I was questioned like a murder suspect on the ID channel. Yes, I am clearly up to no good with my breakfast spread of bacon, cinnamon rolls, and 2 dozen eggs. We’re in Florida and I’M the one you should be concerned about.

In fact, a smiling face and someone who will answer the front desk phone is good enough for me most days. It has the ability to make or break my stay. It’s taking the extra moment at check-in to offer a water after a long day while we’re in uniform, and not rolling your eyes when we ask for an extra towel or tube of toothpaste because we’ve been on the road a few extra days than we had anticipated and found ourselves using our finger and mouthwash at 4am to be at ASE by 6am.

I didn’t intend to go on a service and hospitality rant but as someone who makes a living out of providing service AND hospitality, we all can and need to be better.

So my perfect hotel room & stay?

It’s a clean room with fresh sheets. It’s enough space to make me forget I’ve been living out of my suitcase for weeks at a time. It’s unlimited coffee, weights I can throw around in a well-lit gym, and a pool with someone serving french fries. It's not feeling like I’m aggravating a hotel worker to their core when I a for bottled water. Oh, and some of those little chocolates with turndown service….is that so much to ask?

Maybe as flight crews, we look at hotel rooms and stays through unconventional lenses, and naturally, with an overly-critical eye (forgive us as we have made a career out of being overly critical and detail-oriented). But, this is what we do, what we love, and just another thing to complain about during those ever-so-lovely crew bonding dinners.